Hi Bob,

Wow, you spent time on this and I appreciate it being fairly short breathed
in comments myself most of the time. I'll have to print this of to ponder it
all. Again many thanks.

bw
James



>From: Bob Cooper <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: Re: New sub: Stolen Time
>Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 18:22:32 +0000
>
>I sense the poem, like me when I go to the barbers, doesn’t want a change
>of
>style but needs a trim! I’d think about every adjective and adverb (they
>can
>bleed their nouns and verbs, really weaken them when they’re trying to
>strengthen them). And because the whole tenor of the piece seems to be
>about
>things that are transitory - things in movement (geese, boats - waiting for
>the tide to shift them - you moving until you’re in a railway station - now
>unused) it may be possible (but not essential) to introduce other
>adverbs/adjectives (and adjectival phrases etc) that work more
>thematically/enigmatically/mysteriously. And then leaving just one or two
>(where they aren't noticed so easily), and maybe one enigmatic one, can
>work
>really well.
>
>I also wonder if we need to be told to “fill in the dialogue ourselves.”
>(stanza 10). The poem, for me, is inviting me to interpret all the pictures
>you’ve chosen to give (all the glimpses of things). Perhaps I’m being given
>enough. The images are strong. I sense the words they’ve been exchanging
>aren’t working for them anyway (so why do I need to know what isn’t working
>when I’m being given pictures that do work, that even say what isn’t
>working!).
>
>I often work with the dictum “show don’t tell” but feel that stanza 4
>(which
>is telling me, not showing me, something seems to read OK). This poem seems
>to work well with the poet observing things for me and, occasionally (like
>in stanza 6), offering some interpretation: “their meeting had been
>troubled.”
>
>The weakest bits of the poem? Stanza 9 (& stanza 10). To my eye and ear
>they
>don't seem to flow as easily from what's gone before as other stanzas do.
>
>And my (I’m not sure about it) worry: is the posture of the man (described
>in stanza 8) a little hackneyed? It seems to come from the stage, from
>films, from TV drama, not from the realness of my or your real life.
>
>I’m also wondering if the poem really needs italics for alternate stanzas?
>I
>found I was initially intrigued by the poem (feeling I was being confronted
>by a mysterious combination of things) and could readily work out what was
>what for myself.
>
>I’m also wondering if the drama may be increased if it happens in the
>present tense...
>
>And the title needn’t lift anything from the poem. I sense it could  give
>season/location/whatever – and give the poem something particular or
>allusive, and extra.
>
>Bob
>
>
>
>>From: James Bell <[log in to unmask]>
>>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>>To: [log in to unmask]
>>Subject: New sub: Stolen Time
>>Date: Sat, 13 Oct 2001 14:52:57 +0000
>>
>>You need to see every other stanza here as italicised which we can't do in
>>text.
>>
>>STOLEN TIME
>>
>>Trying to give attention to the Canada geese
>>on the mudflats of the estuary, I saw them.
>>
>>You could tell by the way they stood
>>that the meeting was clandestine.
>>
>>The geese were one large group who honked
>>sweet music to each other in the persistent drizzle.
>>
>>Something had just happened strong enough
>>to stir the extremes of their emotions.
>>
>>Tide out, the contours of the river were bared,
>>so I walked to a more private spot to look.
>>
>>You could tell by her expression, how she looked
>>away from him, their meeting had been troubled.
>>
>>Among the grounded boats there was a movement
>>enough to cause alarm and a cautious flutter away.
>>
>>The way he stood, legs apart, hands held low,
>>extended - the posture - pleading without words.
>>
>>Drift from the last night's flood strewn below,
>>imitating the water flow, lay where it landed.
>>
>>We must fill in a supposed dialogue ourselves,
>>the narrative of reasons they were there.
>>
>>I noticed by my watch that it was time to return
>>though instead stole another minute there
>>
>>under the canopy of the old railway station,
>>no longer host to greetings and partings.
>>
>>bw
>>James
>>
>>
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