Lynn
Agree with Joe on the _wasn't_
But also the comma in the second line of the third stanza needs removing.
It is the only punctuation in the whole piece and rather stands out.
Roger
----- Original Message -----
From: Lynn Owen
To: [log in to unmask]
Sent: Saturday, September 01, 2001 4:43 PM
Subject: New Sub - An incident on the line
A draft I'm twiddling with.
Feedback very welcome.
Lynn
An incident on the line
You stayed in the hotel
I went shopping
jellybeans and jewellery
my two favourite things
Two hours I waited for a train
"an incident on the line"
time spent eating jellybeans
savouring thoughts of our evening
you in your nude and me in my gold
supper first, then more champagne
a happy anniversary for you and me
I should have got a taxi
but I waited for that train
after a fifteen minute journey
I was back at the hotel
you wasn't there
I took bath and washed my hair
desperate to know where you were
several hours later, the policeman said
"an incident on the line"
|