Thanks Ryfkah - I'll try and come up with a better title.
bw
Laura
----- Original Message -----
From: Ryfkah * <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Wednesday, August 29, 2001 3:46 PM
Subject: Re: new sub - Wrong Setting
> Shalom Laura, thank you for your poem upon which to ponder.
>
> In a message dated 8/29/01 12:35:46 AM, [log in to unmask]
> writes:
>
> << WRONG SETTING [maybe a more "catchy" title? I thought of television
> stations]
>
>
> She should have been standing, barefoot
>
> on damp earth, tangled roots beneath her feet;
>
> above her, airline blue - behind her [like airline blue]
>
> banana, palm and forest;
>
> winged jesters in yellow and green, squawking
>
> through the trees; cappucins, tapirs
>
> and hummingbirds. She should have had [for me, awkward line break]
>
> films of green and gold, floating around her legs,
>
> a dazzle of beads around her throat, her hair,
>
> black and thick as rope, held up
>
> with jewelled combs, laughter in her open mouth,
>
> orchids in her arms.
> [Maybe a new stanza here?]
>
> Instead
>
> she sat at the check-out - arched eyebrows,
>
> lips sculptured as the Buddha's, eyes [very good simile]
>
> open and dark, peering at prices, checking out cat litter -
>
> reflecting drizzle and a colourless land that
> [perhaps rewrite - tells the reader rather than showing]
>
> was not her own; incongruous
>
> as an opal set in concrete. [great image]
>
>
> Laura >>
>
> What a marvelous poem that captures the cultural mix we find in so many
> countries and its incongruities!
>
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