Dear Frank,
I enjoyed this, although it seemed more like prose than poetry to me.  It's
a familiar subject from an unfamiliar viewpoint and that made it
interesting.  Don't like Marian for the man's name, even if it is authentic.
It detracts from the seriousness of the piece for me.  I'm also not keen on
the last line - it's a bit sugary cliched.  I feel the piece is too long and
involved and perhaps could lose a few lines.  A nice insight into the
Serbian-Croatian fiasco.
bw
Laura
----- Original Message -----
From: Frank Faust <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, August 20, 2001 6:09 AM
Subject: Sub - Zlatas' Daughter


> A work in progress, still much to do - any thoughts appreciated muchly.
> General theme I'm trying to write to is 'captivity'.
>
> Cheers,
>
> Frank
>
> ~~~~~~~~~~
> Zlatas' Daughter
> ~~~~~~~~~~
> I met zlatitsa when I was young
> on a visit to the old country
> we held hands at the village dance
> and we walked evenings on the corzo
>
> when I left to come home
> she gave me golden dice on a chain and said
> please remember me
>
> zlata is a mother now     a grandmother     a survivor of war
> croats and serbs
> I don't understand what the hell
> they thought they were doing
> to places where kids just wanted to dream
> and to hold hands in the familiar ways
> on the cobbles of the corzo
>
> zlata had a daughter called deyana
> heart and soul
> grew up in imitation western lifestyle
> but on a slate writ small and poor
> she met marian on the corzo before a dance
> and they danced with their bodies and hearts
> that's how lovers form
>
> marian was wrong blood      from the serb side
> and oh there was hatred in the village
> for a man like that
> betrayer of his kin
> consort of the enemy
> damn fool pacifist
> in a civil war you can't hope to stand
> in the middle of the crossfire
> get out     get out     or die
>
> deyana couldn't help it     fell in love ... had a baby
> and oh there was hatred in the village
> for a woman like that
> betrayer of her kin
> consort of the enemy
> damn fool woman
> should have cut his throat in middle of the night
> in a civil war you can't hope to stand
> in the middle of your people with an enemy
> get out     get out     or you might die
>
> even in Australia we still take refugees
> sometimes a family can run away
> from hatred and persecution
> I met zlata's daughter and her man and their child
> at a migrant place in Dandenong
>
> she said it was better here
> Australians haven't learned
> the look etched on the faces of war
>
> deyana said she was a little bit lonely
> no-one from the old country came to visit
> but there were messages
> left for them on the wall outside like
>
> no place here for a croatian-serb
> no place here for a serbian-croat
> no place for people like you
> go away     make yourself invisible
>
> she said they will leave in the morning for a far away town
> where there is no-one that will know them at all
> she said maybe there they can find freedom
> the child will be raised
> without an accent
> without a heritage
> without pre-conditions
>
> maybe they'll find a release
>
> zlata's daughter is a long way from home
> struggling with language and written words
> putting up with the unfamiliar
> keeping up a job through hard times
>
> she is walking with marian and their child
> on a dusty corzo
> in a small town that she calls freedom
>
> ~
>
> Frank
>
> The Tales of Faust poetry page can be found at:
> http://www.hotkey.net.au/~flp/F_index.htm
>
>
>
> >From: Christina Fletcher <[log in to unmask]>
> >Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
> >To: [log in to unmask]
> >Subject: Sub: moths (first draft)
> >Date: Sat, 18 Aug 2001 18:23:08 +0100
> >
> >A few questions below.
> >
> >
> >moths
> >
> >
> >her dowry bag is ruined
> >hours spent over shai ma' na' na'
> >in a Syrian souk that stank
> >have come to nothing
> >she sees feeding tunnels
> >in the knots of a saph she found in Samarkand
> >and in Koranic verses
> >in spandrels worked by tiny Isfahani hands
> >vegetable dyes dilate her pupils
> >more than any lover
> >but now
> >fat caterpillars
> >crawl across the exquisite tomb rug
> >from the wretched place
> >she can't remember
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Is the form is too loose - does it need a more solid structure to make it
> >easier to read?  Also not sure whether I should replace shai ma' na' na'
> >with mint tea?  Do I need to take 'wretched' our of the penultimate
line -
> >not sure whether the double meaning comes across so that it doesn't sound
> >too preachy. Plus, of course, I'm not at all sure whether the poem works
at
> >all.
> >bw
> >c
>
>
> _________________________________________________________________
> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp
>