Hi Mary,

I like the style of this poem! The long lines, with a breath taking break in
each line. It’s racy, and punchy and makes me feel as if I’m being told a
good story... (I also like being charmed by the accumulation of details:
peaches, pears, apples, orchards, deer... For me, they add to the energy,
the excitement, and the reality of the experience I’m being told about).
Long lines aren’t easy to control – but your line breaks and stanza breaks
have their own energy too.

It could be, though, that Sally-ee is right, and a different shape may solve
some of the things you sense are not yet right...

But, for me, the rangyness adds to the charm and it's just the last two and
a half stanzas (from just after where Aunt Ora first gets a mention,
immediately after “They shone in the light”) seem, for me, to lose the
energy. The language gets looser (and the word “exotic” in the line I’m
referring to, seems to be superfluous – if only because I feel it must be
exotic anyway!). And I feel I wanted the young child of the time to be as
involved in the end of the poem as she is in the rest of the poem (it’s as
if a wiser, less enthusiastic person then came in to finish the poem).
But it's good, before the year sidles out the back door (and first-foots,
grinning on the front doorstep!), to read your work again.
Have a good start to 2002!

Bob



>From: Maryann Hazen-Stearns <[log in to unmask]>
>Reply-To: The Pennine Poetry Works <[log in to unmask]>
>To: [log in to unmask]
>Subject: New Sub: Carrots
>Date: Fri, 28 Dec 2001 09:31:55 -0800
>
>Hi folks,
>
>I hope everyone has been enjoying their holidays. I've been lurking behind
>the scenes unable to find the time to post, but definitely loving the
>works posted!
>
>Everyone here at home finally went back to work/school and I had a few
>hours to myself...enough to write a poem or two...here's the first for C&C
>if you've the time or inclination this weekend. :)
>
>~*~
>
>Carrots
>
>
>Certainly we were wanting. There was a lunch-lady who
>      could tell how hungry you were by your eyes
>and the way you couldn't ask for more but she gave
>
>      you extra rice without the slightest hesitation. At home
>our closet of a kitchen never knew the smell of freshly
>      peeled oranges or heard the snap of a pea pod. We only read
>
>about peaches and pears in math books; so many and so many
>      make so many. But apples came from the ground
>each autumn in Old Vandyke's orchard. He didn't
>
>      begrudge the deer and us any "dropsy's." Certainly we ate
>till we were sick. The first time we were given a fresh vegetable
>      was at a distant relative's house. My father didn't want to go.
>
>We sat at a table covered with white cloth. There were no pots
>      set out, but bowls of food. There were napkins. I was afraid
>to take my hands from my lap. Aunt Ora passed a bowl to me.
>
>      Perfectly stacked orange sticks, glazed in real butter,
>speckled with brown bits of exotic nutmeg. They shone in the light
>      of the lamps. And Aunt Ora said, Let me help you. Do you like
>
>carrots? Certainly I liked carrots. She spooned the glistening
>      vegetable onto my plate. Yes, of course there was more food
>than that, but to this day all I remember is that here
>
>      was something not from a can. Neither mushy nor tasteless.
>Bright orange fingerlings grown in the freshness of the earth.
>      The books were right, after all.
>
>~*~
>
>Yes, I admit it...I'm out of practice...lol
>
>Cheerwell, Mary :O)
>
>
>=====
>Good Cheer & Be Well,
>Maryann Hazen-Stearns
>"Under The Limbo Stick"
>http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
>also available at these locations:
>http://www.vivisphere.com  http://www.amazon.com
>
>__________________________________________________
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