Hi Terri, there are three possible objections to the your #2. The first is
scansion. And the second is syntax. To some extent these are facets of the
same observation: The Japanese haiku, on which the zip is modeled, is often
(mistakenly) described as 'being spoken in one breath'. It's more accurate
to say that the breathing patterns of the poem are consciously
constructed - be they an irresistable pull or a deliberate disjuncture. The
same is true of the semanitic 'flow' - halting or smooth - it's a
controlled effect.
Objection no 3 is adjectival content: bruised/retreat/naked and blush are
all very strong, so each element of the poem cames at the reader rather
directly.
Objection 4 is that haiku (hence 'zips') do not use personification. This
is commonly proposed by many of the North American schools in particular.
It is based on an exceedingly narrow definition of what constitutes
'haiku'. And so can be safely consigned to the (circular) file called 'null
objection'.
In the latest editon of World Haiku Review there is an article by Debra
Woolard Bender (female poet) which contains zip style translations done by
herself and Eiko Yachmoto (female poet) of the work of Hisajo - a female
poet of 30's Japan. I recommend it. Debi also gives a 'conventional' tercet
haiku version of the each poem. It's worth a million of my words.
http://www.worldhaikureview.org
Best wishes, John
----- Original Message -----
From: "alderoak" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: 22 December 2001 14:29
Subject: Zip #2
----
on a more cheerful contemporaneous note, here's another go at a zip
#2
the bruised sun retreats to bed
on naked hills the sky blushes
Terri )O(
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