I think attention to detail iswhat's needed to polish this poem.  The story
is simple and needs equally clear formulation to drive the narrative pace

eg

| packed a package
| with very little
| neatly and set off

to my ear there needs to be a long pause (ie line break) after neatly to
give the right weight

and

| so smooth and sleek and soft
| Annie's underwear was wool
| and itchy

to my mind the last two lines overstate the situation

(Hi, long time no talk, glad you're still around, tis always a please toread
one of your poems especially the "historical" ones)

- matt

----- Original Message -----
From: "grasshopper" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: 11 August 2001 19:38
Subject: New sub: Annie


| First draft for c&c, please.....
|
|
|
|        Annie
|
| Annie went to work
| for the nobs
| up at the big house
| said goodbye to her ma
| and her brother
| and sisters
| packed a package
| with very little
| neatly and set off
|
| She lived high
| in the eyrie attic
| shared a narrow bed
| with a kitchen maid
| up at six and work
| till ten at night
| one afternoon off
| every two weeks
| and think yourself
| lucky, girl
|
| She worked as a lady's maid
| laid out the bright
| and glittering dresses
| for the daughters
| of the house
| most of all she envied
| their lingerie
| so smooth and sleek and soft
| Annie's underwear was wool
| and itchy
|
| One day clearing
| a bedroom grate
| to build a fire
| Annie found something
| crumpled up small
| a paper ball
| She smoothed it out
| on her morning white apron
| and looked at
| the one pound note
| She had never held
| a pound note before
|
| It was three week's wages
| she sat back on her heels
| and held it
| and she looked
| and she wondered
| she knew that sometimes
| the nobs left money
| around deliberately
| to test the honesty
| of servants
|
| Annie took the risk
| and kept her place
| she didn't save the money
| didn't buy something
| sensible
| on her next afternoon off
| she went into town
| to a Lady's scented store
|
| In her drab dress
| a sparrow
| amidst the pheasants
| she bought two nighties
| straight from Paris
| milky silky soft
| when Annie wore therm
| she felt like the queen
| of France
|
|             grasshopper
|
|