on 21/12/01 11:51 pm, Jayne Fenton Keane at [log in to unmask] wrote:

> hi everyone
> here's a poem to introduce myself to u. looking forward to your feedback -
> if u have any!
> 
Hi Jayne, I enjoyed this, I like the twos and ones, most of the 'ones'  are
a bit longer and striking enough for two lines. Perhaps ONE DAY SOON NEXT TO
A FIRE is comparatively weaker. I like the MUSIC similes and metaphors but I
think GLACIAL EYES THAT FALL INTO WATER  gets a bit out of its depth. And I
don't see any significance in sugar free chocolate or indeed chocolate.
Please understand that I'm only laying into this poem because you might want
something to think about. I like it. And "WELCOME TO THE GROUP" from the
person who was Last In before you.

Sally-ee.
> 
> Chapter From A Thin Country, Chile 2001
> 
> (1)
> 
> Torres Del Paine,
> 
> Through the window, a knot of people gather
> 
> their bodies a circle of flutes
> the wind plays.
> 
> Through a gash of mountain, high notes screech against skin
> 
> temper of weather in every step
> sugar free chocolate melting in your mouth.
> 
> One day soon, next to a fire
> 
> the heat will unravel the tight horn
> travel has made of your body.
> 
> You will uncurl in a long Chilean song, tempo of long
> 
> purple flowers offering pollen to the breeze
> as Tierra Del Fuego's silence scores your nightmares
> 
> with glacial eyes that fall into water
> the texture and colour of emerald silk.
> 
> © Jayne Fenton Keane
> 
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: Sally Evans <[log in to unmask]>
> To: <[log in to unmask]>
> Sent: Saturday, December 22, 2001 8:56 AM
> Subject: Re: New sub: The Peeling Of Onions
> 
> 
>> on 20/12/01 1:19 pm, James Bell at [log in to unmask] wrote:
>> 
>>> Another of those depressing poems. Thanks to all for response to
> "Unreal".
>>> This is in the same sequence.
>>> 
>>> THE PEELING OF ONIONS
>>> 
>>> It's been days
>>> and the loveliness of music
>>> has not reached me again
>>> 
>>> The ears hear
>>> though some malfunction in the system
>>> does not feel - only aches
>>> 
>>> inside a generalised sadness
>>> a dullness not even affected
>>> by the peling of onions
>>> 
>>> layer by layer
>>> until there is only
>>> scattered shards of vegetable
>>> 
>>> divested of physical
>>> use for metaphor
>>> now ready to be cooked and eaten
>>> 
>>> 
>>> bw
>>> James
>>> 
>> Hi James,
>> I like this but not quite so much as Unreal. I'm  doubtful about the last
>> line of this, but can't wuite see what's wrong with it. I think 'cooked
> and
>> eaten' is too much of a change of tone and direction. the beginning isvery
>> nice, could you perhpas go back to a mention of music to round off the
> poem,
>> instead of the last line which I can't help feeling is a cop-out.
>> 
>> I do hope you are feeling better and don't worry, a lot of us have been
>> depressed it's all part of a long life once you are over it. I'm  not just
>> saying "I've been sad myself" as in Colin Will's (scots accent) spoof of a
>> counsellor. I can't resist quoting it:
>> 
>> from WONDERFUL, COUNSELLOR
>> by Colin Will (diehard).
>> 
>> yes, I know about depression,
>> I've been sad myself,
>> and as for drinking, well,
>> I've sunk a glass or two
>> in my time, once or twice,
>> I think it was twice.
>> 
>> Wife left you for another man?
>> How awful, I've seen that on the soaps.
>> Miscarriage? There, there,there's time,
>> you're young yet, and quite attractive.
>> Fallen for a fella?
>> Heavens, must be hard, Henry,
>> but these things happen,
>> so I've read.
>> 
>> If that doesn't cheer you up email me and tell me off, because that might.
>> bw Sally-ee.
>> 
>> 
>>> 
>>> _________________________________________________________________
>>> Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at
> http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.
>> Hi James, this is another interesting poem, but I think I liiekd Unreal
>> better. I'm  not keen on the last line of this one but I can't see quite
>> what it is that's wrong if anything.
>> 
>> 
>>