on 18/12/01 11:24 pm, garydawg at [log in to unmask] wrote:
> Li Po Came to Call
>
> The willows are bare and iris rots
> among marsh weeds and empty nests.
>
> The wine is finished so I sleep
> among paper scraps and vacant thought.
>
> Tomorrow I will build a fresh fire
> fueled with old letters and new poems.
>
> Today wind and rain shreds the nests
> as I sleep off sour wine and bitter words.
>
> The ladder lies where it and I fell.
>
> December Carole (Janis) at: http://gardawg.homestead.com/janice.html,
>
> Submissions: http://www.writershood.com/index.html
>
> Poets for Peace. ˇPoemas sí, balas no!
>
I really like this idea and the poem, too. But the second 'among' line four
is a bit of a problem as the rhythm is the opposite of the among in line
two, and one wants to begin the line more simply...well, perhaps you didn't
intend such a marked di dah di dahdi rhythm. I suppose you're comparing your
sleep among the empty wine etc to the 'sleep' of the willows but then you've
got 'rots' which does not suggest reawakening? I still think the two
'amongs' aren't pronounced equivalently and for me this would want
rectifying somehow. either by changing marsh to marshy or paper to something
like dull? or even waste paper (no scraps) to throw the stress forward.
Sally-e.
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