A very interesting topic, Grasshopper.  Imho it needs
to be somewhat tighter.  Do you think it might be a
suitable candidate for a little more
colloquialism/dialect (whatever) as in 'Annie went to
work for t'nobs'.  It could get tedious/phony but see
what you think!How about putting a few more names in?
I've put some suggestions below.  Cheers, cara

 --- grasshopper <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> First draft for c&c, please.....
>
>
>
>        Annie
>
> Annie went to work    Annie packed a little package
> for the nobs          said goodbye to Mam
> up at the big house   sisters Liz and Sue
> said goodbye to her ma/ brother Ned
> and her brother       and went to work for t'nobs
> and sisters           up at t'big house
> packed a package
> with very little
> neatly and set off
>
> She lived high
> in the eyrie attic    High in the eyrie attic
> shared a narrow bed   she shared a tight-fit bed
> with a kitchen maid   with kitchen maid, Sal
> up at six and work    (perhaps express these times
of day more figuratively)
> till ten at night
> one afternoon off
> every two weeks
> and think yourself     'Think yourself lucky, girl!'
> lucky, girl            they said
>
> She worked as a lady's maid
> laid out the bright    She laid out
bright,glittering
> and glittering dresses dresses for the daughters
> for the daughters      craved most their lingerie
> of the house           smooth, sleek, soft
> most of all she envied thought of her own
> their lingerie         the itchy wool
> so smooth and sleek and soft
> Annie's underwear was wool
> and itchy
>
> One day clearing  (and so on...0
> a bedroom grate
> to build a fire
> Annie found something
> crumpled up small
> a paper ball
> She smoothed it out
> on her morning white apron
> and looked at
> the one pound note
> She had never held
> a pound note before
>
> It was three week's wages
> she sat back on her heels
> and held it
> and she looked
> and she wondered
> she knew that sometimes
> the nobs left money
> around deliberately
> to test the honesty
> of servants
>
> Annie took the risk
> and kept her place
> she didn't save the money
> didn't buy something
> sensible
> on her next afternoon off
> she went into town
> to a Lady's scented store
>
> In her drab dress  (Omit this line- leave it to the
following metaphor)
> a sparrow
> amidst the pheasants
> she bought two nighties
> straight from Paris
> milky silky soft
> when Annie wore therm      wore them
> she felt like the queen    like the Queen of France
> of France
>
>             grasshopper

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