In a message dated 8/11/01 4:22:03 AM Pacific Daylight Time,
[log in to unmask] writes:
Thankyou, cara. Without the caps, it might get confusing, I think. Good
idea to omit like in line 3, so the insect's wing is a metaphor instead of
simile. Liason fit, I believe to emphasize the relationship in nature and
between people. But maybe it's not clear.
<<
Marilyn, A pretty stunning debut poem. Welcome! I am
writing with the benefit of the explanations you have
posted( since I was off-Works for a bit with the
change to JISC)>. The poem seems to improve at every
reading. I just question some of the capitals which
seem to break up the flow. If you are relying on the
line-breaks for punctuation then the capitals could be
down-played also. I would omit 'like 'ie move from
simile to metaphor in line 3. I wonder about the word
'liaison': doesn't seem to fit to me.
Cheers, cara
--- Marilyn Injeyan <[log in to unmask]> wrote: > I'm
new at Pennine. Thanks for reading my new poem.
>
>
> Closure
>
>
> Burnt air turns icy
> At sixty-five, trunk lid lurches
> up and down like a giant, metallic (up and down, a
metallic insect's
wing) ?
> insect
> Doors open, flail and shudder
> past blur of steel, concrete
> and flower-sculpted tiles
> I white-knuckle steering wheel
> Romanian Rhapsody rears from the
> speaker
> Staccato gallops into timpani and
> cymbals
>
> My heart rattles in its cage
> Wind rages, whines, demands
> offerings -
> hairbrush, lipstick, mocha scarf
> Jeffersons and Hamiltons and at last
> a purse filled with nothing
> sucked into the vortex
> Tempest sated, doors quietly close
>
> I am a stranger in my own life
> shake, taste cinders, know you are
> gone
> The car slows down to synchromy
> of waves, hums in tandem and stops
> I fox trot on shore, footprints
> in new patterns, at peace within
> my rumpled world, eyes wrapped
> around a seascape, study seam
> of horizon - powder blue on silver,
> liaison
> in time, wade in saltwater
> beginnings
>
> Marilyn Injeyan
> August 6, 2001
>
>
> >>
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