Hi John,

Yeah, I hear you! This has undergone great changes in the past few days.
Thanks for your feedback, you make perfect sense. :)

CW, Mary :O)

--- John Carley <[log in to unmask]> wrote:
> She wants to lie down. She wants to lie.
> She pretends all the time she is someone else
> or there is someone else who cares.
>
>
> Hi Maryann, it's not the 'she's' and 'her's that are the problem IMHO.
> It's
> everything else! Nah, what I mean is - the passage above is excellent
> because the obsessively simple and direct voice (HERs) is subtly
> modulated
> by the writer - thanks to things like the echoes lie/lie,
> someone/someone.
> If you can make the piece work throughout with this kind of interplay I
> think it will stand very well and you can go with all those short
> sentences
> starting with 'she'.
>
> bw, John
>
>
>
>
> Subject: New Sub: Breathing For The Birds
>
>
> Yup, I'm still fooling around with an exercise...and this is admittedly,
> rough. Specifically, how do I get all those "She's" and "Her's" out
> without messing up the feel? Any suggestions....other than the trash
> bin?
> lol
>
> ~*~
>
> Breathing For The Birds
>
> She is always anxious. Wonders
> if she is at fault and she hears herself
> breathe too fast to catch her breath and
> she sees her breath in the air she breathes.
> She is out of breath.
>
> She wants to lie down. She wants to lie.
> She pretends all the time she is someone else
> or there is someone else who cares.
>
> She feels birdseed in her hair. She touches it,
> the seed scatters. She worries that it will get stuck
> between her toes in her scruffy slippers and she cries
> as she laughs at the thought.
>
> She understands how it works.
> She says Yes Sir No Sir Maybe so Sir
> and she dreams of release.
> She tries God how she tries and she hopes
> her birds come home to roost.
>
> ~*~
>
> Cheerwell, Mary :O)
> PS: I won't post anymore today....you're safe!
>
>
>
> =====
> Good Cheer & Be Well,
> Maryann Hazen-Stearns
> "Under The Limbo Stick"
> http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
> also available at these locations:
> http://www.vivisphere.com  http://www.amazon.com
>
> __________________________________________________
> Do You Yahoo!?
> Find a job, post your resume.
> http://careers.yahoo.com


=====
Good Cheer & Be Well,
Maryann Hazen-Stearns
"Under The Limbo Stick"
http://www.geocities.com/Faerhart/
also available at these locations:
http://www.vivisphere.com  http://www.amazon.com

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Find a job, post your resume.
http://careers.yahoo.com