That's lovely Josephine,
here's a few comments, feel free to bin 'em.
Stanza One. We've just celebrated midsummer's day, so your midwinter was a
splash in itself. Good setting of scene.
Stanza Two. I wonder would "moan" be better than "whine" in that it seems
less judgemental, and maybe echoes the whale song. Also I'd nearly leave out
the "Got it! the reply".
Stanza Three. The movement from the "thereness" of the rest to relative
absence implied by the evaluation of the watchers jars a little. Possibly
hard to get away with it after using a verb like "whine." Also the language
seems cliched compared to the lovel detail of the actual description. And
then again, these watchers are mammals too, even if they do make stoopid
noises.
Stanza four. A beaut. Lovely.
Stanza five. Not too sure about the verb "performs". Seems voyeurish, which
is a slippery slope esp after the criticisms voiced in stanza three. How
would you feel about changing "confusing searching eyes which seek the oily
slick disturbance" to "confusing searching eyes which seek the slick"? The
"ponder" seems a little abstract after all the wonderful concrete
description. Is there any way these thoughts could float / swim into your
mind? Finally, "wombed dolphins and porpoise's purpose" seems a little
undeveloped. Having made such a lovely connection, maybe you could let the
reader live with it a little longer.
Hope this doesn't come across as all negative and nit picky. Thanks for
posting your poem.
best wishes
Randolph
----- Original Message -----
From: "Printmaker" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, June 25, 2001 8:49 AM
Subject: A new work
> Yesterday morning at 5.30ish we got up and went to do some
> whale watching. There had been reported sightings during the
> week and its whale season for the next two weeks. Anyhow,
> thoroughly inspired by a magnificent sight I wrote a poem
> today - first draft. Be gentle, but comments/constructive
> criticisms please.
>
>
> Cetacean Symphony
>
> Winter's dawn light, first Sunday aft of midwinter's night.
> We take a look from Captain Cook Lookout, First Point,
> Copacabana. An east coast sea, greyed slick and steely, tiny
> boats dotting the path of the sun's shimmering clear light,
> while Sydney's centre points the far distant southern
> smogged sky.
>
> First sighted, a distant spray, a blow, a flash of sunlight
> on a wet back breaching the waves. "There!" a cry,
> binoculars swing to follow a pointed arm. "Got it!" the
> reply.
> The lookout fills as morning progresses from hushed polite
> awed whispers, to rude noisy parents whose children whine.
>
> Gross consumers, un-green, the first to denounce the
> 'ferals' who
> activate for the environment, cluster expectantly at the
> rails,
> straining to see saved whales. Their interest is aroused,
> but not
> from concerned thoughtfulness, rather the cheap thrill, the
> free ride.
> No sense of the tide's subtleties. Media driven to see the
> sea's cets.
>
> Close in, huge humped backs dive, rise again in paired
> synchrony,
> barely a splash to mark their progress beneath the point.
> A measured interval, a guessed distance, they surface in
> close proximity to a small boat fishing nearby. A dorsal
> fin,
> then tail; a tall fisher's tale to tell of the one that got
> away.
>
> Straight out, another pair performs. The water breached,
> a nose, a torso rises towering through the air, poises and
> drops,
> flops soundlessly, showering whale whacked water wide;
> moments later, flukes flail and slide below. A blow portends
> the next; a belly rolls, flippers wave greeting, grey and
> white.
>
> Sun higher now, the wind's white horses speckle the ocean's
> greys
> confusing searching eyes which seek the oily slick
> disturbance
> that marks the whale's whereabouts. As whales and time pass,
> we ponder whalebone, soap, oil, Melville, the whale song's
> airy silence, wombed dolphins and the porpoise's purpose.
>
> J Severn June 2001
>
>
> Notes: First Point was named by Captain Cook when he dropped
> by, & Sydney's most prominent skyline feature is the
> Centrepoint tower. Also, Websters tells me 'dolphin' comes
> from the root gwelbh meaning womb, referring to its shape.
>
> thanks
> Josephine
>
|