On Thu, 20 Dec 2001, david.bircumshaw wrote...
>Quite literally just written this, so any comments are welcome
>
You've spelt 'desert' wrong, unless it's intentional, but it doesn't
seem that sort of poem. There are rather a lot of commas. Highly
evocative (the poem, not the commas). The angels remind me of the gay
ones in Philip Pullman. Spiffing last line, with all sorts of levels.
Does it really, really, have to be a poet? I can see on some levels it
would be useful, but putting a poet in a poem involves you in dangers of
being considered self-referential and precious. Personally I'd try to
get rid of the rather coarse "fucks" which doesn't seem to fit (and in
any case isn't quite what you mean and reminds me of Legman's discussion
of 'fool' jokes). Why is silicon thin? Love the rhyme. "Like" is on my
list of words to be detained indefinitely without trial as constituting
a threat to poetic security by revealing the presence of incoming images
in a manner liable to cause a breach of Her Majesty's dockyards.
Best,
--
Peter
http://www.hphoward.demon.co.uk/poetry/
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