i am so glad its raining in newyork today. it is
strange to cry in th sun & blueskies.. last night
there was a thunderlightening storm.. it was
theraputic.. i found this part of me that has
changed;; when th jets flew ovr i flinched in paranoia
,expecting explosions.. sometimes jumping at the
thunder..& even wednesdaynight, i was expecting
someone to come to my house;; i was unable to reach
him on his cell for ovr 2hours & i just began to
bawl.. my normal rational shot.. it was (mostly)
illogical that something terrible would have happened
to him; but my mind was racing ;& i was tossing
thoughts of my life without him in my head.. (of
course at th hieght of it; he appeared)
it was really quite astounding..there is such a
thickness of emotion it makes me shake;; my heart was
palpitating;; still sometimes it quickens & my eyes
flood.. there were ashes snowing down everywhere.. all
the way into brooklyn.. last night i smelled smoke
sneaking in wth th wind..
i was at home (in brooklyn) on my way to work & a
friend calld me to
tell me;; i already had th news on (w/ th sound off
though) i wasnt really prepared to believe it.. tv has
such a way of making things unreal to me: just model
buildings in a box.. then it all came rushing when the
pentagon also was attacked & then th towers fell.. i
could smell in th air & i felt it enter my pores : th
tension & sadness ..
i couldnt be at home alone so i went to a friends
house who lives near th manhatten bridge. there were
people flooding into bklyn, covered in dust eyes
glazed ovr dustmasks on.. cars driving on sidewalks
not looking fr pedestrians..there were enough people
in th buildings that it seems everyone that lives in
newyork will know of someone who died. th fire chief
on my block died. there have been vigils in th street
every night..
there is still quite a bit of shock fr a lot of us.. &
it seems to come in sneaky waves.. a lot of my friends
have a hard time watching anything else on tv; as if
it was impolite ;even my friends in sanfrancisco..
we are quite lucky fr th rain to clean th air a bit..
i heard it is not at all wise to drink th tap water or
even brush yr teeth wth it.. maybe this includes
drinking anythng made wth tap water as well..
th anxiousness of what will happen next is
difficult... nerve gas, bombs, war.. as much as i try
to limit my media consumption of this i still turn on
th tv in th morning just to make sure.. & its what
everyone talks about, on th street in th subway, most
amazingly talking about it with strangers. our
coldness towards eachothr has melted.. in my
neighborhood old locals have tvs out on th sidewalk &
ppl crowd around watching & talking about it.. there
are police outside many of th stores that are operated
by anyone from th middle east..
i apologize if ths is choppy, i am at wrk which is
hectic, but i wantd to relay what i have seen & also
thnk everyone fr thr kind words & thoughts.. its hard
to imagine what this looks like from th outside..
kindest;;
elizabeth
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