Robin - I certainly preferred the first version. I read it without
stumbling, and then found the second version too much a mixture of the
plain and the dialect - Go for broke, and trust your reader.
In my own case, I have unfortunately tried to change an Anglo-Australian
into a mid-European immigrant in a short story, and ended with a laughable
parody of their accent. Robert Penn Warren had a really good way with this:
I think a lot of it goes into the careful listening first, then the
integrity of the portrayal. I am listening closely these days to Vietnamese
English, Chinese English, and Indian English. Very different, I can assure
you! But writing it down successfully escapes me.
Andrew
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Andrew Burke Copywriting
[log in to unmask] Creative Writing
http://www.bam.com.au/andrew/ Editing
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