This is interesting, Jill, Candice.
I do suspect that a stanzaic line distribution is the piece's ultimate
destination but not necessarily as quatrains, maybe uneven stanze wld be
right, tho' I'd hesitate to be proscriptive about which, I do tho' think the
break that pushes 'sniffing' as the lead line of a stanza feels 'right'.
I don't have any problems with the explicit use of 'pain' tho'.
But, as we all know, poems 'evolve'.
Best
Dave
----- Original Message -----
From: "Jill Jones" <[log in to unmask]>
To: <[log in to unmask]>
Sent: Monday, September 10, 2001 2:18 PM
Subject: Re: More another poem
> on 10/9/01 9:20 PM, Candice Ward at [log in to unmask] wrote:
>
> > It would work better for me without the first line or any use of the
word
> > "pain"--still aptly describing a headache but resonating with many
other,
> > unstated states (as it seems to want to do), especially if the referent
of
> > "its/it's" remains mysterious--Candice
> >
> > P.S. Hang me for a sheep, but the formal quatrains don't seem right for
this
> > poem either!
>
>
> Candice, interesting you say this. There was some small thing bothering
me,
> that kept me from getting right into the poem and I think you may have
> nailed it. Perhaps 'the truest thing' could become part of a title. Also
> agree with you about the quatrains not being 'right'. I liked the original
> chunky version, it had a rush that had all that excess and
overwhelmingness
> that is pain. Just a thought.
>
> Cheers,
> Jill
>
> _________________________________
> Jill Jones
> 50 Ruby Street
> Marrickville NSW 2204
> AUSTRALIA
>
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