I would like some comments from poetryetcers, if you have the time as to
this post. I correspond with a West Australian poet who owns a poetry web
site and he often wants me to be a 'critic' of his poetry. In this poem I
spent quite a bit of time going over his poem and gave my comments only to
find that he hasn't pushed the poem as far as he could have. It's all
anonymous. Should I give up?

I have listed
1.his first draft
2.my comments
3.his last draft

1.
Women
of the hills & valleys

I see the old women
shopping in the local centers on marbled lined floors,

trembling on walkers handcarts
support hose aged & black ...

singling out choice fruit & vegetables

clinging intimately,
chatting to each other in the market place.

They depart
remembering to catch a bus, or to walk
back home in time for a cup of tea ...

one forgets & keeps on walking past other houses
only to totter back, to one as empty
as her own.

For the old man who sat at leisure
discussing olive trees, & far away hills, yesterdays,
is no more...

***********

2.
Re: your poem - it's really good and i think it could benefit from my
suggestions, but the choice is yours?

delete 'old' from old women as 'trembling on walkers' says it all - let
the reader work it out - maybe 'grey' might fit better...find a better
descriptive body image word.

>trembling on walkers handcarts
>support hose aged & black ...
awkward the reader, reads handcarts support...even though there is a line
break

>clinging intimately,
>chatting to each other in the market place.
delete chatting...or change the clinging to 'chatting intimately' or
'leaning intimately/they chat' - describe the physical body movement.

>They depart
>remembering to catch a bus, or to walk
>back home in time for a cup of tea ...
here the reader knows that, as the narrator or even 'omniscient POV' you
would not know about the internal workings of women's memory ...use
concrete images or metaphor in your work after 'depart' like 'detain the bus
with cane' or 'They waiver/spill umbrellas into buses' -
same in the next stanza try eg. 'teeters and turns' or 'turns from a
pavement spray' (as in image of the bus departing in the rain) instead of
'one forgets' - again 'omniscient POV' in poetry is suss. poetry works
better with metaphor, simile and concrete images...unless you are
subverting language for special effect.

delete last stanza you don't need it as the woman is the main focus and
try and end on...*as empty as her own*....it's a great last line!
********

Women
of the hills & valleys

I see the old woman
shopping in the local centers on marbled lined floors,

trembling on her walker
support hose aged & black ... singling out
choice fruit & vegetables;

chatting with the other old women
in the market place...

She departs
remembering to catch a bus, or to walk back home
in time for a cup of tea ...

The old woman forgets,
keeps on walking past other houses, only to turn back
to her neighbor's home... as empty
as her own.

For the old man
who sat at leisure for forty years
discussing olive trees, and far away hills, yesterdays,
is no more.


Thanks
Helen





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