Forwarded from the Richard Thompson list:


> I'll apologise in advance for posting this ! My brother forwarded it
> to me;
> I think it originated  from the Fairport e-list, so some of you may
> have already seen it anyway - a rewrite of Matty Groves with a
> certain Lord Jeffrey Archer taking the place of the hapless Matty.
> Sorry !! Couldn't resist !!

> Sarah
> Victoria, Australia



A happy day, a happy day
The best one of the year
 Lord Archer's wife went into court
 The verdict for to hear

 And when the judgement it was done
 She cast her eyes about
 And there she saw Inspector Plod
 Watching her from the crowd

 "Come down the nick, your Ladyship
 Come down the nick, alright?
 I'm after you, your Ladyship
 Cos perjury aint right"

 "Oh I can't go there, I won't go there
 To be quest-ion'd tonight
 By the things you say, I very much fear
 I'm in the shit - that right?"

 "Tis true I am Lord Archer's wife,
 Lord Archer's not at home
 He's held in maximum scurity,
 Reaping what he's sown."

 A red-top journo standing by
 He heard the Lady's moan
 He swore his editor he would know
 And reached for his mobile phone.

 And in his rush to report the news,
 His shorthand notebook filled
 Didn't look as he crossed the road
 And by a bus was killed

 The tired Inspector, he lay down
 And took a little sleep
 When he awoke Her Ladyship,
 Was lolling round his feet

 Saying: "How do you like my sexy dress
 Fancy a turn with me?
 And if you do, I'm asking you,
 To let me off scott free."

 "Oh well I like your sexy dress
 Like any red-blooded male
 I'll give you one, your Ladyship
 THEN bang you up in jail."

 "Get stuffed! Get stuffed!" the Lady sneered,
 "I've got a hidden tape
 I'll tell the whole of fair England
 I was victim of your rape!"

 "Oh bloody hell!" the copper swore,
 "I really feel a clown
 For you have got me bang to rights
 Caught with my knickers down"

 "Well it's true I have the evidence
 To email, phone or fax
 If you don't drop the perj'ry charge
 I'm sending it to Max"

 "And you will take the witness stand
 And take it like a man
 Then I will give MY evidence
 And I'll damn you if I can."

 The poor Inspector took the stand
 To condemn the lady sore
 But when she gave her evidence
 His career was no more.

 Then Lady Archer told the press:
 "That copper lied 'bout me
 Must've done the same in the previous trial
 So set my Jeffrey free"

 And then spoke up the tabloid press
 As always, coarse and flagrant:
 "We've got further evidence
 That proves you far from fragrant"

 Lady A saw the game was up
 And loudly came her sighs
 She stuck herself right through the heart
 And expired before their eyes

 "Tis grave tis grave" the red-tops cried
 "This crooked woman's dead.
 But we've a short attention span
 So here's some tits instead"





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Paul Woods,
Assistant Librarian, Social Sciences,
Arts & Social Sciences Library,
University of Bristol Information Services,
Tyndall Avenue,
Bristol BS8 1TJ.

Tel.:  0117-9288029 (ext.) 8029 (int.)   Fax:  0117-925-5334
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"It's scary...I sort of like it and hate it, but I also think it's a
way to test how good you are, if you can...just do it." - Richard
Thompson

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