Dear Diana- I don't know whether this in any way fits in with what you're
seeking since your question is wide ranging and in my personal experience
could be applied to many situations as families run their 'life course'.
But I'm replying on the basis of personal experience - not theoretically or
professionally.
My own family is not close knit and I haven't seen many of my family
members for several years. I've felt this lack of closeness very strongly
and have tried to meet this need by working at creating a strong sense of
sibling unity among my own children. We are seven family members - myself,
my husband & five 'kids' now aged between 18-28. Movement, transition &
coping with loss has been part of our family pattern since 1986. Our
family base has changed twice- Greece to England 1986 & England to Italy
1998 and with this there've been many concomitant changes.
As in many other families our children have become a floating population-
they've moved away from home to go to university- come back- moved away to
travel- come back etc. Now we're split between Rome and the Umbrian
countryside, London and Leeds. What I've always found interesting is the
sibling dynamics when they return and we're all together. How the same
patterns of interaction and relating to each other reappear- old quarrels
are vented and there are 'power' struggles sometimes remaining unresolved
-sometimes resulting in a successful (temporary maybe) resolution which now
and again allows slight shifts and even offers space for new patterns to
emerge. I think two years ago we hit a peak- we were all together at Xmas
(famous time for such happenings) when a spark set off the most incredible
scenario - old resentments flared- verbal fights and abuse flew out from
all directions. The depth of hurt and anger was, to me, overpowering. It
was as if time had turned itself upside down and I was sitting at a table
with my kids aged between 14 & 4 unreservedly screaming their fury at
each other over perceived misjustices handed out to them. In those days I
felt I had to stop the anger, protect the 'weaker' one smooth things over
till it's all ok. But OK for whom? Them or me?
So when we met that Xmas for the first time as a 'unit' in several months
and the major fight broke out I think I recognised that this was something
I had to let them work through themselves. It was hard....and I can't say I
was totally successful in staying out of it...but somehow we parents
managed to remove ourselves enough to let the siblings work through this
dynamic by themselves. It seems that something very crucial to the
intersibling relationship happened that day - as our later meetings take
place now in a more- kind of harmonious, or playful setting. Of course you
could also argue that they got scared of the depth of their own hurt and
anger that they control themselves to stop a replay of the scene. Who
knows? I guess it's only when they meet at our funerals that some idea of
the 'truths' will be known.
To me it's important that our children create relationships with each
other, both individually and as a unit, that are removed from us as
parents. I think this means their future relationships have a better
chance of survival independently of us. One of the major parenting mistakes
I've made is to be too protective of them in their relationships with each
other. This misplaced protectionism contributes, no doubt, to the
fathomless chest of sibling rivalries that lay behind scenes such as the
Xmas one.
Perhaps by "allowing" old resentments to arise in relatively safe settings
(as parents we're still around to help keep things safe maybe? help them-
and us- work towards resolution of old hurts?) - our children may have a
better chance of survival as a network of relationships beyond our death.
Who knows - that's my optimistic hope.
Phew - I think that's the longest mailing I've ever sent . Aplogies
Helen H.
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