i have been sitting on this article for the past few days. it frankly pissed
me off. it's not that i mind her talking about T or dicks, piercings or
orange hair, but this seems like a very sensationalized view of a conference
that i attended, that frankly looked a bit different. no mention of any of
the professional workshops, including the professionals who are trans people
themselves <shocking>. and the medical professionals who donate their time
and energy to ensure the health of our community, no mention of any of the
SOFFA (significant other) workshops, the excellent speeches or or for that
mattter incredible childcare for our children etc. no, just a question of
the sanity of FtM sexuality and identity ,"The penis is the invisible
manifestation, the magically appearing stigmata in this faith-based
masculinity. The ways the conferees transcended their fleshly limits sounded
like a shared hallucination or a vision."
frankly i feel more than a bit disrespected by this article.
ari
arlene istar lev
<[log in to unmask]>
(i sent this in as a letter to the editor)
http://www.salon.com/health/col/vitz/2000/03/07/transboy/index.html
Gender warriors
Female-to-males convene to talk about shooting testosterone, psychic
hard-ons and passing for male.
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By Virginia Vitzthum
March 7, 2000 | Like saints and nuns, many transgendered people meet the
"greatest imaginary friend of all" at a tender age. God is the only one they
can talk to: "I prayed every night that I would wake up a boy," is litany in
the female-to-male (F2M) transgendered childhood. A transboy believes in
that which adults, language and his five senses tell him isn't so. He's Joan
of Arc focused on the cross-dressing, true to the voice in his head and
ready to battle a world that insists on calling him "she."
When Beth Harrison Prado was 8, her mother told her that her wishes would
come true when she kissed her own elbow. In order to get the male body she
longed for, "I stuck my arm between the door and the wall like this," she
says hoisting her thick bicep with her other hand. "I pushed on that door
until I broke the bone."
Harrison Prado, a self-described "stone butch who likes femmes" recently
shared that anecdote to murmurs of recognition at the True Spirit Conference
for F2Ms.
About 450 male souls journeyed to Alexandria, Va., for the three-day event,
including some who have "transitioned" with testosterone injections and
surgery, some (mostly younger) who hadn't and others along the way. Though
F2Ms frame it in more political terms, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual
of Mental Disorders (DSM) of the American Psychiatric Association refers to
the belief that one's gender does not match one's genitals as "gender
dysphoria." Gender dysphorics can include everyone from transsexuals, who
transition completely -- hormones, surgery, name change -- to garden variety
tomboys and sissies. The 1994 DSM estimates that one in 40,000 men is
transsexual and one in 100,000 women is F2M transsexual.
What baffles outsiders is how unconnected gender dysphoria can be to
sexuality. Many F2Ms are attracted to men, but say they've always felt like
gay men themselves. Others must transition from being a lesbian lover to
half of a heterosexual couple and some are attracted specifically to other
F2Ms. Sponsor American Boyz invited an alphabet soup of identities to the
85-workshop event: "Butch, Transman, Gender Outlaw, Transsexual, Drag King,
New Man, Boychick, She-Bear, Shapeshifter, Transfag, Tomboy, F2M, Passing
Woman, Two-Spirit, Amazon, Tranny Boy, Intersexual, Female Guy, Tranz, Boss
Grrrl, Bearded Female, Transgenderist, Sir, Kuramir, Hermaphrodite,
Questioning, Just Curious or a Significant Other, Friend, Family member or
Ally (SOFFA)."
The first workshop I went to was "The Interplay of Difference: Creating
Heterosexual Imagery," where a short, pear-shaped man with a wispy beard (a
common look at True Spirit) spoke softly to six people with closed eyes. He
told them, "Picture your own gender for a few moments, then picture the
gender you're attracted to." Piles of crayons and paper were stacked in the
corner for drawing those images later.
The leader's soothing instructions were interrupted constantly by shrieks of
laughter floating over from next door. I peeked at my schedule and saw that
the panel in the adjoining room was called "Queer as Fuck." I snuck out of
the fantasy exercise to join the rowdy grrrls and boyz who were fighting
categorization rather than redrawing it. The large room was jammed with
college kids who looked even younger, like teenage skateboard punks. They
sported brightly dyed buzz cuts and mohawks, heavy-metal band T-shirts and
piercings through every dent or rise on their faces. The most common jewelry
was the angry-bull omega through the septum.
The theme of the raucous rap session was the tension between "What the hell
are you looking at?" and "Hey, look at me!" Kid after kid professed outrage
at being treated differently because of her threatening, masculine
appearance, which inspired sisterly indignation. A few others bemoaned, to
similar encouragement, the loss of their radical look as they transitioned.
"I feel too normal as a guy," they whined. The loudest cheers went to a
green-haired butch who offered, "You know what really gets them? When they
ask why I have so many piercings, I tell them, 'It represents Jesus'
suffering on the cross.'"
Much of this seemed like standard-issue teenage rebellion, but
self-awareness poked through occasionally. One sweet young freak pointed
out, "When I get beat up for how I look, I think about how my black friends
don't even have a choice, how they can't just take out their piercings like
I can." Many of them seemed less like true gender dysphorics than kids, as
their parents undoubtedly hope, going through a phase.
But the openness and experimentation of the queer-as-fuck kids has softened
some of the F2M dogma. Throughout the weekend, older F2Ms thanked "all the
young punks" for expanding definitions of transgender. The queer-as-fuckers
don't worry about whether someone injects testosterone -- or "takes T" -- or
whom he has sex with, two things that can cause F2M infighting or at least
labeling.
The young set is also dragging transgender into the outside world: Their
punk androgyny lacks the furtiveness the older F2Ms grew up with. When a
workshop leader in his late 50s said, "And of course you're made to feel
shame for being sexual at all," the girls with the shaved heads just looked
blank. Then they happily blurted details about their strap-ons, labial
piercings and range of sex partners.
The world is catching up; these little gender warriors are more likely to
end up in a Benetton ad than in a Stonewall-type battle. But the young punks
are merely the least abashed wing of a historically contentious subculture.
F2Ms are engaged in an ongoing protest, not only against the gender police,
but usually against all patriarchs, racists, some parents, jocks and
cheerleaders, too. Most are well-versed in feminism, gay rights and other
radical politics. Among the True Spirit workshops were "Our Role in the
Revolution," "Working to Eradicate Racial Privilege" and "Trans Feminism."
Most of the F2Ms attending True Spirit pass as men, but they don't want to
trade in their outsider status as "queers" for male privilege. They're like
monks in, but not of, the gendered world, living a new type of maleness that
doesn't oppress anyone. Mel, nee Melanie, who started "taking T" six months
ago, explains masculinity as a psychological challenge rather than a set of
characteristics or behaviors. "All the men in my family are assholes," he
said. "So transitioning is healing that for me." It's not just loving the
enemy, but becoming a better version of him.
So what happens when you throw testosterone into this volatile mix of
feminist idealism and the longing to be male? The initial changes are much
like those of male adolescence: cracking voice, wispy stubble, acne,
increased sex drive. Gary Bowen, founder of American Boyz, underwent a
profound metamorphosis when he started "T" a few years ago. He suddenly
could understand male grunting and other nonverbal communication. He found
it harder to think of words for things (but no, he's nothing like Homer
Simpson). Strangest of all, he went from right-handed to left-handed.
He did not, however, feel compelled to smash shit up: "I felt more relaxed,
happier in my body than I had my whole life." Mel and other new T-shooters
also described greater energy and horniness, but again, not aggression or
belligerence. Such testimonies make me wonder if "hormones" are a flimsy
excuse for male violence. Perhaps socialized men give testosterone a bad
name.
Mel's had no surgery; Bowen had chest-reduction surgery, but passed on the
phalloplasty. Bowen shrugged, "If I have a spare $60,000, I'm going to buy a
house, not a flap of skin I can't have sex with or pee through." Another
option is metoidioplasty, a slight surgical extension of the clitoris,
already enlarged by the testosterone injections, to make it resemble a very
small penis.
Some F2Ms get testicular implants, but not phalloplasty, and some get
hysterectomies. Many others, particularly younger butch punks, just leave
their vaginas and clitorises in place and let the power of suggestion fill
in the gaps.
Those flights of fancy were detailed in a workshop called "Cock Talk: A
Discussion of Sex and the Erotic for F2Ms, Transmen and Butches." The panel
was so popular that it had to be moved into a giant ballroom to fit
everyone.
"Imaginary friend," took on a whole new meaning during Cock Talk. The penis
is the invisible manifestation, the magically appearing stigmata in this
faith-based masculinity. The ways the conferees transcended their fleshly
limits sounded like a shared hallucination or a vision.
Workshop co-leader Harrison Prado claimed she could feel lust through her
strap-on dildo, reading an impassioned essay about why she liked getting
blow jobs. "By going down on the butch, the femme is honoring, validating
what makes the butch a butch," Harrison Prado intoned in her gruff voice. "I
have a very gendered eroticism when I'm with a femme, it's a psychic
hard-on."
The young queer-as-fuck crowd chimed in. One pretty young dyke with a shaved
head said, "I'm always packing [a strap-on] and I can come from a blow job,
even with my eyes closed." Another pierced, buzz-cut college kid said her
dyke lover didn't even need a strap-on; they could summon up a phantom cock.
Others echoed this, including one baby dyke who said, "I'm so glad people
are talking about this, because I thought I was losing my mind."
A scene in "Boys Don't Cry" captures this insistence on a personal vision of
the body. One of the male goons who ends up killing him says to Brandon
Teena, "Man, your hands are so little." Brandon replies, "They're not
little, they're big." Not a disguise, not a deflection, but a simple denial
of the facts; it reminds me of many conversations at True Spirit.
The transformative love light must be turned on to girl parts besides hands,
too. Harrison Prado said she could only let fingers into her vagina if she
thought of it as an "internal hand job." Workshop co-leader Stephen Whittle,
a bald Brit who transitioned 25 years ago but never got below-the-waist
surgery, addressed his reality gap the proper English way. "I just didn't
look at my genitals for 21 years." His wife finally eased him out of his
distaste with this F2M tautology: "You're a man, so those are male
genitals."
Saul, a burly bearded man with a vagina who's dated F2Ms, said that
everything must be discussed before F2Ms can start touching or even talking
dirty. Some unreconstructed F2Ms call their vaginas the "bonus trannie hole"
or the "manhole," he said. "A lot of them like their nipples touched, but
you can't cup their breasts," because that means there are breasts. The
nipples may perch atop breasts in this shadow world, but they float above
flat pecs in trannie heaven.
salon.com | March 7, 2000
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About the writer
Virginia Vitzthum's column appears in Urge every other Tuesday.
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