On Mon, 16 Oct 2000, Alison wrote...

>Taking your wife out for a meal _is_ work.  Is it only women who talk of
>"working" at a relationship?

It might be, but isn't necessarily. (I'm talking about whether taking my
wife out for a meal is work, not whether only women talk of working at a
relationship.)

It's a bit of an odd definition of "work" that excludes one's "job" but
there may be a way of reconciling all this with a scaled down version of
work being love made visible.

Work is often contrasted with play, as a way of categorising activities.
(I know lots of people don't like binary distinctions, but they can be
useful models sometimes. Bear with me a few minutes.) It seems to me
that the distinction is that play is done for its own sake, while work
is done for some goal other than the work itself. This is not to say
that the work need not be enjoyable, but the reason for doing work is
not for itself, but for some other benefit. "Jane is working on her
novel" implies that Jane is doing the research, writing, revising, etc
not for their own sake, but for the sake of the completed novel. "John
is working on his backhand" means that he is trying to improve his skill
at tennis (in this case so that he can play more rewardingly). In each
case, there is a desired reward that is separate from the means of
achieving it. Doing ones job is work, because one doesn't do it just for
the sake of it, but because one is paid. In this sense, work is desire
made visible, though that desire might not amount to love (or it might.)

Of course, these rigid definitions break down in practice, since there
aspects of work in play and vice versa. But it's still a useful starting
point.

So if I feel that my wife is feeling a bit neglected, and I try to think
of some way to remedy that and decide that taking her out for a meal
would be a good way, then yes, I'm working on the relationship. But if I
decide to take her out with no other motivation than because I think
we'll both have a good time, then it's not working on the relationship
in the same way. Of course, it might still have the effect of improving
the relationship. But there has to be some conscious extrinsic goal for
it to count as work.

To illustrate this, suppose you go for a walk in the country, with no
other idea than to relax and enjoy yourself. But then afterwards, the
experience gives you an idea for a poem. You wouldn't say you were
working on the poem while out walking, would you? Or would you?


Best,
--
Peter

http://www.hphoward.demon.co.uk/poetry/


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